We saw the Persians arrive from on top of the hills. There was hundreds of boats sailing to Marathon. We were already prepared for this intense war. We were prepared to protect Greece.
First Phrase of the Intense Battle
The Persians waited for us to attack, but we stayed patient. Days and nights had passed and they still hadn’t ordered them to attack. Then the next night they made a crucial mistake. The commander ordered a large group of Persians to sail to Athens to destroy it. That’s when it happened. We attacked. We Athenians and a small amount of Plataeans went in three groups.The left and right group attacked the Persians. They had left the water a dark red color from all the blood taken out of the soldiers. Bodies floating all around shore. While we attacked the other group lead the Persians backward. Then we all surrounded them.
The remaining of the Persians the battle ships, but we killed all of those enemies. Then all the boats retreated back home. We had won that war. A couple of years later we had had news about another invasion of Persia. We had been informed that Darius had started to train a huge army. But then he died and Xerxes his son had started to begin preparations for the next invasion. Now this time the Persians will have a bigger army.
Jose Morales · May 1, 2011 at 9:25 pm
he essay is well written, short and to the point. However, there were some mistakes that can be well improve by reading your essay aloud. This is what i could see that stood out.
* I feel like you need to explain Who are you talking about when you say “WE” at the binning of the essay. May we the athenians.
*There was hundreds “change to were hundreds
*If you can describe a little what you refer by Marathon maybe in a sentence if it is the battle?
*The sentence where it says “They had left the water a dark red color from all the blood taken out of the soldiers” try to fix it it does no sound right.
Maybe the water was reddish from the bloodies battle fought by the athenians.
* There were bodies floating…..
*Then they finally surrounded
*The remaining of the Persians the battle ships, but we killed all of those enemies. ” There were persians in the battle ships, but we killed most of them.
*a couple years later, we received news
over all looks good
Author comment by Edgar · May 4, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Thanks for writing down a comment. Also thanks for writing down some errors that you found. I will work on them and change them. I appreciate that You commented on my blog post. Thanks Uncle!!!